Spreading myself like jam, not butter

Thick, that is, not too thin.

So here is the issue: I am tired. Some days, I near exhaustion. And for me, exhaustion feels too much like being sick. It just doesn’t feel good. And (I’m really trying to listen to my body) that probably means that I should change. Of course, changing means making decisions, and decisions have never come easily for me.

So. My current state. My real job is ice cream making. I work 6 days a week, 4-6 hours a day. My working student position at DH (lets call it Dream Horse) entails 4 hours a morning, Wednesdays and Fridays in exchange for a 30min private on Tuesdays. I now have an option from my OT (original/other/old trainer) to feed at my Home Barn on Tuesday and Thursday morning. This would take approximately between 45 minutes (with my Mum watering) to 1.5 hours (by myself).

If I was SuperWoman, I would love to do it all. But I am not. My energy is finite.

Money aspect: Icecream money generally goes to my Graduate School/Nice Horse fund. Tips cover gas. I could pay for lessons but I prefer to work them off because a)it earns me “barn cred” b)it gives me hands-on experience and c)I’m cheap. Working at Dream Horse gives me a private lesson = $40 or 16 stalls. I currently do 9 stalls a day plus about 30-60 minutes turning horses out/cleaning water buckets. This should be $36+$7=$43. But I didn’t fill out a time card last week, so I need to work things out with L. At the Home Barn, each feeding is $15, so two mornings would be $30/week which was the price of a private lesson with my OT, but it’s probably higher now.

Dream Horse is a very, very nice facility. I like the workers and trainers. It’s nice to get a new perspective and be around different horses. On the other hand, my OT knows me and knows what I can do. She trusts me and I feel very comfortable at her barn. I can ride the Mooseman. I can face horses and situations that I have grown to fear.

Really, I want to do both. But we’ll see how it works out.

Oh, horse life. I have missed thee.

Dear Horse World,
It has been too long. I miss the sweet smell of hay and leather and manure. I fondly remember the early mornings riding and the late nights braiding before a show. The calluses I earned from cleaning stall after stall have grown soft. My body is days away from losing all it ever learned about balanced riding.

I cheer that horse fever is a chronic disease and it may never fully be cleansed from my blood. Nothing can  extinguish my passion: not depression, not anxiety, not an eating disorder. Oh, they tried mightily. They have kept me from lessons the past year and a half. They made me sell my horse and get rid of my collection of horse gear. They took away the joy of riding and made it seem like a chore.

But now I’m back. And now I’m ready to have horses in my life again. The adventure is beginning.